Self-medicating.

Reading an article today about the illegal search and seizure of a medicinal marijuana user’s apartment in Washington, a recurring word came up that really irked me.

The word: medicine.

Listen, I get it. You’ve tricked the state government into making pot available if you have a scrip from a doctor who’s getting higher than you are, for an illness you debated about for several days and then decided on in the last moment as you were walking through the office door. It’s only because I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to make my own problems like anxiety disorder, untreatable digestive problems, and this lovely, painful skin condition even more colorful and chronic-sounding just so I can wave a piece of paper at the security guard sitting out there all day on Santa Monica Boulevard and finally gain entrance to the Inner Sanctum of all things Medicine.

Medicine, ha!

The people that support the Medical Marijuana thing say this “medicine” crap all the time, like the special strains of marijuana that are keeping them bright-eyed and constantly hungry (yes, generalizing) are somehow on a different level than the eighths you or I might purchase from our friendly neighborhood dealer. As if medical marijuana patients are somehow on a higher plinth than the everyday smoker.

As if. Just because I’m not a huge baby that feels the need to whine to a doctor in order to get my green in some sort of state-condoned manner does not make me a lower being. In fact, because I choose the illegal route, I’m sort-of a Cambodian guerilla old-school pot smoker, fearing both the state and the Fed, reveling in the social wrongness of it all. But at least I don’t have to justify it to myself every time I load a bowl, and I don’t have to worry about the chick behind the counter judging me on how many times per week I have to come in to get more Orange Crush for my “tension headaches.”

Of course, it helps if you have a buddy that has a Medicinal Marijuana card. Then it’s like ordering from LA Bite, but you smoke out with the delivery driver.