Weapon of choice.

I’d like to test the scope of this blog through this post by exploring not only hating, but acting on your hate. Let’s begin.

I know a lot of people who would opt for a gun in a one-on-one conflict with a hostile person, animal, or immobile object. I see their point. Guns kill things. They’re small enough to be able to carry them in a concealed manner. Some guns are pretty nice looking, too. But for me, a gun is simply not satisfying enough. No, not at all.

People who know me or who have been around me for some period of time lasting more than 72 hours have already heard me speak on this subject and are fully aware of my preferences when it comes to weaponry. It seems to me that nary a week goes by that I don’t remind myself that I really do need to buy me one of these and keep it in my car. And not two seconds after I say this aloud, my boss inevitably says, “I really think you shouldn’t.” I believe she’s worried for the people that I might choose to practice on.

What is this weapon, you ask? Well, I’d love a cricket bat. Just because cricket does seem a little more obscure and European, not quite as everyday as a baseball bat. Although a nice, aluminum baseball bat would also be pretty great.

I think that very little would be more satisfying than having some asshole come up to you in a threatening manner, actually threaten you, essentially open the door to a beating, and give you cause to reach into your back seat for a large piece of shaped wood you affectionately call Nigel, whereby you can either threaten the ruffian back, or you can go ahead and take a swing. Just think of how completely delightful it would feel! It would make the most sickening THWACK! I also sort-of like that you can keep going to town without killing them in an instant, and that a bat doesn’t need reloading.

I really must get me one of those.